Why did I Write 'Finding Leadville?'

The author in 2020

It was 2020 and everything was quiet. Barely a car puttering past in an otherwise busy neighborhood. And yet, every now and then, a helicopter rotated its blades overhead, cutting into the silent fog of a late May morning.

I was up in my home office, about to record a graduation speech for my master's program. I was selected by my class to share it during our online commencement. I felt an overwhelming pressure to provide something meaningful, something raw, something comforting in the midst of lockdown and protesting past the businesses downtown.

Like so many of us in Minneapolis at the time, I was bare bones scared and at the same time, empowered to show up. We were resisting, shouting in the streets, fighting for something bigger than ourselves in the Twin Cities. I shaved my head (as you can see in the photo), just to get the feeling of resistance right in my body.

As I prepared my speech, I remembered the walk in the side yard with my mother, her hand in mine as we said, "I'm sorry," and "I love you" to the bees (This story appears in my book). I wove this memory, along with a tale about having a favorite tree as a child, into my writing for my classmates. I enriched it with as much meaning as I could, spreading my words out long and wide like a down comforter on a queen-sized bed.

But, as I made meaning, I felt meaningless. Small. Truly aware of my insignificance on a planet that seemed to be burning all at once.

It matched the energy of the moment for me. I had joined in the protests, and I also fled the city to my partner's childhood home on a piece of farmland in Wisconsin. I spoke my truth online and I became mute in person. I reached out to the neighbors when I had the bandwidth and I isolated when overwhelmed. I was a mixture of opposites. I was hypocrisy, I was a walking contradiction.

I was oh-so-human and raw. (Weren't we all?)

'Finding Leadville' is a story of who I was well before the 2020 lockdowns and who I grew to become after. It's a self-study of identity: where did I learn to be this raw, real, human thing? how did my understanding of myself change over time? what could saying yes to a race and living up in the mountains do to my sense of self, my identity?

I wanted to feel it all: Human. Raw. Real.

2020 was a year that taught me what it felt like to become entirely numb and still go through the motions. Trail running yanked me back inside the moving gears of life and feeling every damn thing for myself. There was an ache, a need, to be fully alive and move through the world with a profound YES. For myself. And as a model for others, too.

I had to write this story of identity. And I had to share it through a tale of adventure, joy, and overcoming. The bones were good, as they say. The story of a hero's journey. A woman who loved the trees. A goddess of the trail, a queen in the midst of hardship. A person who rejected the costume that religion, a man, the patriarchy all wanted her to wear.

The traumas I encountered in 2020 gave me the reins to turn back around into my past, revisit with a tender touch, and reshape what was there. All so I could stand strong in this newfound identity I am in today.

I wrote 'Finding Leadville' largely because I was different, and I was noticing it. And putting pen to paper confirmed every step in the journey for me as necessary, messy, and complete. Running was a huge part of that shift, but so was my response to Catholicism, trauma, and patriarchal messages.

I wrote it because on that late May morning when I recorded my graduation speech, I knew that something big was about to shift inside of me. That I was tapping into stories I could rewrite in a new context. That a trail race mattered and so did my approach to it.

I was ready to experience a shift in my identity -- and ready to write about it.

So, I signed up for the 100-mile race. I lived on the side of Hoosier's Pass, right at the Continental Divide. I wrote lots in my journals.

And I emerged with a story that I felt worthy to publish.

Thank you for being here with me as I've shared it. I can't wait for you to hold the hardcover (or paperback) in your hands so soon.

May we all shapeshift from one incredible identity to the next, for as long as we live.

Perhaps the trail itself will take you there.

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Finding Leadville: My Story to a Hallowed 100 Mile Finish Line will be ready to purchase before the 2025 Leadville 100. Where I will once again run toward a hallowed finish line (and get my book into some of my heroes' hands!!). Stay tuned to my blog for the exact release dates.